Hole Punch Sports

"Homer, I don't use the word hero very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history." -Lionel Hutz Read this story and just try and tell me the NFL doesn't have a front-runner for its 2005 Walter Payton Man of the Year award.

I guess Romeo Crennel wasn't a big fan of The Pacifier, because the Browns just fined second-year tight end Vin Diesel up to five million dollars for his recent motorcycle riding. Wait, make that Kellen Winslow II, from whom the Browns will withhold a $2 million portion of his signing bonus in addition to the two to three million he's reportedly expected to pay back. What this really means is that the Browns are confident Winslow will never play at a high level again. If he does come back, there's no way he's sticking around in Cleveland. Would you? Yes, the motorcycle accident was his fault, but this is hardly a man who has demonstrated a high level of maturity in his short time in the public eye. Who would want to stay with a company that asked for that much money back anyway? Even if he recovered fully and had a long, productive career, that money is a huge portion of his expected earnings (expected by me, that is), if only because of his position. I'm certain Se...

Finally! The Broncos have today filled a gaping hole by reaching an agreement with wide receiver Jerry Rice, recently of Seattle Seahawks fame, to maybe play for us next year. From ESPN.com's Len Pasquarelli : "Rice on Wednesday agreed to a one-year contract with the Denver Broncos, where he is expected to vie for a spot as the team's No. 4 wideout." No. 4 wideout? Here I was worried about mounting a pass rush, or running the football, but our detail-orineted organization surely left no stone unturned in finding a competent fourth receiver. Wait a second, I'm not even sure we have a competent No. 2 receiver. Again from ESPN: "Broncos coach Mike Shanahan said last week that, when he made his sales pitch to Rice by phone, he made no guarantees about a roster spot." Ouch. I'd make age jokes here and talk about how it might be time for Rice to retire, but that time has long, long since past. Rice is occasionally referred to as the best football player ev...

So Monday night I was flying home from vacation/law school graduation (definitely not my law school graduation; big ups instead to my brother John on that one) with every intention of watching the first game of the Heat-Pistons conference finals and reporting on it right here, since it's the series with actual suspense. Fortunately I was flying Frontier and, as you have probably seen on those commercials with the talking animals, I get DirecTV right at my seat. Unfortunately I didn't pay close enough attention to the fine print, which is that I was not actually flying on Frontier, but rather something called Frontier Jet Express operated by Horizon Air. I don't even know what that means. (Oh, wait, yes I do: it means that instead of taxiing right up to the gate like the rest of you losers, I got to exit my plane down a metal stairway right onto the tarmac and enjoy the outdoors for a brief moment before I have to enter the stuffy old airport. I felt like the President or so...

"Playing Phoenix and Charles Barkley in the 1993 Finals was like playing against your little brother and knowing you're well-equipped. "Your little brother might beat you one or two times out of seven, but you know he's going to get beat in the end. "The Suns didn't know how to win. They knew how to compete, but they didn't know how to win. There is a difference." -Michael Jordan, "For the Love of the Game" Last night watching Game 4 of the Nuggets-Spurs series, the above quote kept coming to mind. Well, not the whole thing, that would make me some kind of savant, but the part about competing versus winning. No team over the last two years knows more about competing but less about winning than the Nuggets. I don't mean it as a knock (believe me, I'm still so grateful we're even in playoff contention); I just mean to show the kind of improvement the Nuggets need to make to become an elite team. For once, it's not an issue of ...