Hole Punch Sports

Just when I thought Mike Shanahan couldn't get any dumber, he goes and does something like this. And totally redeems himself! Mad props to the Broncos' head man for fleecing the Cleveland Browns out of big-name defensive lineman Ebenezer Ekuban. Sure, last year was his first even close to productive campaign, but he’s only been in the league for a half-dozen seasons. Sometimes it just takes longer for it to click for some guys. No doubt he'll work out from now on. Not only that, we picked up defensive tackle Michael Myers, who will provide depth. I know saying a guy will provide depth makes it sound like he's just training camp meat, but sometimes Coach Shanahan sees things in players before anyone else does, and I’m confident this is one of those times. All we had to give up was tailback/fullback/kick returner Reuben Droughns. Sure, he might be the best player on the roster at all three of those positions, but we all know the Broncos can just plug anyone in their syste...

Hopefully nobody remembers this, but a couple of weeks ago I wrote some predictions for the NCAA tourney. On the plus side, I correctly called that North Carolina, Illinois, Michigan State and Louisville would all make the Final Four. On the down side, that’s all a lie, except for North Carolina, and I think even a Canadian could’ve picked that one. I actually predicted Syracuse (which had a thrilling run all the way to the Somewhat Sixty-Four), Wake Forest (totally lost by the end of its Thanks-for-Coming Thirty-Two defeat), and Arizona to come out of their regionals. Arizona deserves its own paragraph for the way they handled the end of that Illinois game. Wow. I don’t think anyone on that team had ever seen a full-court press before. You’d think head coach Bill Walsh would’ve run that one by ’em in practice a few times. The only Wildcat with any poise was Hassan Adams, who doesn’t let little things like the clock or scoreboard get to him. What mental toughness! I filled out a bracke...

Look, we all feel bad for Canada right now. Without hockey, there’s a lot less to be happy about up north. Those 12-month winters just last longer when there’s no Stanley Cup up for grabs. It’s not all doom and gloom, of course-Canadians supposedly have some ridiculous prescription drug hook-up, which has got to be great news for the 75-and-over crowd, and some citizens can avoid polar bear maulings for days at a time. But no hockey leaves a huge sporting void. I mean, imagine if our national pastime went away for a year. Oh, wait, that’s right, nobody would care. Aside from which I don’t think Congress would let it happen. But if the NFL, our real national sport, cancelled the season, it would take the meaning out of the lives of millions of Americans, most notably myself. There’s a good way to help Canada, and there’s a bad way. The obvious solution is for NHL owners to stop investing tens of millions of dollars in guys with mullets and for said players to accept the fistfuls of cash...

All anybody wants to talk about in sports this week are the potential Cinderella teams in the tournament. Count me out. First, it's time to find a new analogy (glass slippers, evil step-sisters, nothing to do with hoops, we get it) but, more to the point, those teams rarely win after the opening weekend anyway. As fun as it is to watch inferior and sometimes unqualified teams get a chance on the big stage (step right up, Oakland!), by the time the Final Four rolls around, the real contenders will have taken care of business. Who will those real contenders be? Let's go counter-clockwise across the country’s four regionals: Chicago : Illinois earned the top seed in this region after eking out a respectable 32-1 record. Give the Fighting Illini the edge on big-moment experience, considering their point guard won the 1991 NBA Slam Dunk contest. But if you're questioning their strength-of-schedule and their Arena Football-like 54-43 conference championship victory, you're no...